Pond of tears

Sometimes we just need to let things go. The tight chest, the heavy breathing… Are all signs that something is about to blow up with our emotions. This can lead to a bad outcome and to prevent that we need to vent, we need to express what we feel, what we think, and having people around who can do that helps, but not everyone has that friend or friends that are good listeners. Maybe, we judge to quickly and bring a lot of negativity that you just don’t want to deal with it. I got those, believe me, those aren’t fun when shit hits the fan. It is important to know that I choose and I love my friends, and I cannot make them become what I want. Instead, I go looking for more friends, friends with different traits and personalities. Not to smash them all together, but to have each of them for what I need.

Sometimes the alone feeling eats away at what we are, they eat us and make us think we are alone. When we are surrounded, all we need to do is reach out. Speak up! Make yourself be noticed. It might feel different at first you depending on what you’re looking for in a friend it should work. Cause friends are always there when you need them most.

I remember going to school and being alone. I failed a grade and everyone knew, I was left behind at the same private school and well… I got bullied a lot cause of my weight, my appearance and it was not ease being a fifth grader for a second time in a different group. I remember crying my eyes out not because of failing, I owned that part. I knew that the bullying would increase. The first week was my worst nightmare. I didn’t know where to hide, I didn’t know to defend myself. Just a kid against a new class. The teachers made a lot of indirect comments to make me feel bad. They all thought I did it on purpose. The reality is that my grandfather died, he was the first death I witness close to me and I didn’t know how handle it.

The semester finished and I didn’t have a single friend. They all looked at me weird, looked at me indifferent and without knowing how I would react. Slowly the guys where calling me to play basket ball with them. I began to develop new skills and friends. I actually was good at something, but for the first time in year’s I was able to interact with others and start friendships. It took quite long for me to establish friendships that had lasted year’s, even still communicate through social media with the majority of them. By the time I was senior I became pretty known in the whole school. I allowed room to grown but I gave my self bad habits like allowing stress on purpose to memorize things. I worked, past tense, worked under pressure. Not anymore.

Starting in the working environment made things different for me I liked the interaction with other people to the point I went to college for it. There I broke. Between jobs and college things were getting messy, something was always out of play or ordinary until stress broke me up in pieces. The friendships I developed during the years couldn’t help me to fix things they all looked at my mess and said. This is sad, hope you figure it out… what?! That’s it?! I’m looking for solutions, not a confidence boost. It all took me until I entered the psychiatric ward for the first time. Most of my friends stop contacting me. Others just stop inviting me, others just plainly moved on. What about me? What about me moving on as well??

Nothing was making sense, something clearly was not right in my head. I Seen doctors and specialists, but it was not solving my problem. It took me years and a lot of effort, also a second visit to the psychiatric ward to learn my purpose, to learn why I was going through all of this. One day I learned my mind. I took a side and broke all that was in my head and fitted in a way that all made sense. All in a sense that I felt the difference. No, I do not get my enlightenment from the psychiatric ward, but I do get it from isolating myself from all my problems putting away what bothers me and arching forward , looking introspectively (not even sure if that is a word) but looking inwards to my heart and emotions. All comes together in reconnecting with yourself. I have had a lot of sleepless nights crying myself to sleep because of all the bullying I received. Life isn’t easy, life is a challenge where you become better at it every time. Sometimes things can get a bit harder but just try to take it easy and individually. Break it apart and make it new. You can do it. I know you’ve also cried at some point trying to develop your personality. We all have to go through this to become better. Know this, you are not alone.

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